Like A Virgin
by Storiesfromthebluebox
Summary: Partially set during the episode 'Time'. Vyvyan finds out about the girl in Rick's bed even before Rick does. My take on what is really going on during and behind the scenes of the episode.
1. Hangover

_Chapter 1. Hangover._

Vyvyan woke up from an annoying sound. He didn't know what the annoying sound was, but it sure as fuck was pissing him off.

_Ding, dong, ding, dong._

It seemed to be coming from outside. He sat up. His back ached, and his head was hammering. Besides the bloody bells, he could hear that bastard Neil muttering in his sleep in the next room.

If it wasn't clear already, Vyvyan was in a particularly bad mood this morning. Here's why.  
Last night, when he'd gone to take a piss, he'd walked quietly past Rick's room. And by 'walking quietly,' we mean stamping across the hallway so loudly the ceiling on the floor beneath had started to crumble.  
Now that wasn't an extraordinary thing in itself; he'd walked past Rick's room loads of times when he needed to take a piss. But this time, the door had been open.

He'd stood there in the doorway for a while, realizing that this was probably some sort of grand opportunity. What kind of opportunity, he had not known. Seeing the way Rick slept? Have a good look at his bollocks in his tight y-fonts? He'd truly had no idea what should be so appealing about that, but he'd looked anyway.

But what he'd seen there in Rick's bed hadn't just been Rick or his bollocks. What he'd seen there had turned his stomach in such a way that he'd needed to sprint to the bathroom to be sick. He'd made it just in time.  
There'd been a girl there. A _real_ girl, that was. Not just Rick's skinny bum dressed up in some ugly dress. (Which he'd seen him do before because he'd spied on him a few times. But that was strictly secret information he didn't share with anyone in the house, not even with SPG, his hamster.)

Vyvyan had no idea why the sight of some girl in Rick's bed had made him so bloody sick. He'd felt like grabbing the nearest object and smashing that bint's face to pieces, but all he'd really been able to do at that moment had been to hang over the sink and puke his guts out. When he'd finished doing that, he'd just gone back to his room. He didn't understand what had come over him. All he knew was that he'd just been too bloody sick to even smash anything. So he'd just knocked himself unconscious. That was probably for the best.

Unconsciousness was good. Peaceful. But now this awful noise from outside had woken him up again. He didn't want to remember what he'd seen last night, but it came back to him soon enough. A. Bloody. Girl. In. Rick's. Room. Why was this bothering him so much? Who on earth cared if that stupid bastard had just lost his virginity to some girl? He sure didn't! It happened all the time. People had sex at parties and woke up next to girls the next day. People liked to do that sort of disgusting rubbish. Vyvyan had often observed this. So he REALLY didn't understand why, next to his hangover, there was this nagging voice in the back of his head.

Except maybeeeee… he did know. It might have had to do with that thing that had happened a few weeks ago. Everyone had gone to bed except for Rick and himself. They'd been sitting on the way-too narrow couch that made their arms touch slightly. The program they were watching was shite. Some bloke was throwing eggs into a hole for money, or some stupid rubbish. (Nothing good was ever on, in the rare case the bloody thing even worked. Mostly just that annoying, bald bloke whose face he wanted to smash.)

It didn't matter though. For the first time in months, the two of them weren't fighting. Rick was talking about some poetry lecture or something. Vyvyan wasn't really listening, but to his surprise, he really enjoyed the sound of Rick's voice and his company. It was better than the telly, anyway.

It slowly dawned on Vyvyan that he was having a very alien sensation. He'd felt at peace. Vyvyan had never really been a big fan of peace. Every time Neil so much as mentioned the word 'peace' (or even 'peace and love', which made him gag) he wanted to bash his face.  
But right then, with Rick next to him, and no one else around, he'd realized he didn't need to be anywhere else. He was just fine right where he was. With Rick. On that couch. With a really fucking shite program on the telly. Yes, he'd been quite enjoying himself. He always did when he was with Rick, really. Whenever he wasn't too busy bashing his stupid face, that was.

Maybe, he'd thought, he could even go as far as to wrap an arm around his shoulders. That might work. Subtly, he'd cleared his throat, huddled even closer to Rick, and pretended to reach for the remote control while swinging his arm around Rick's shoulder.

"Vyvyan? What are you doing?" Rick had asked.

"I'm trying to show affection, you twat! Can't you see that?"

It had seemed like it needed to sink in with Rick for a moment. Vyvyan, showing affection? He'd never known the punker knew other ways to express himself but violence.

"Well, all right then. I suppose… I suppose that's fine," he'd said, still seemingly somewhat uncomfortable with their sudden intimacy.

Vyvyan had stared.

Rick had stared.

Then, so quickly and unforeseen that not even Vyvyan himself had seen it coming, he'd leaned in and pressed his lips firmly on Rick's. He felt Rick freeze underneath him, and he started roaming his tongue over his lips, trying to find his way in. He would have started to enjoy himself, too, if Rick hadn't pulled away and given him a huge smack on the face with the flat of his hand.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT FOR?" Vyvyan had screamed.

"_I_ should be the one asking _you_ that, Vyvyan!" Rick had jumped up from the couch, his eyes wide with shock. "What on _earth_ was that about?"

"I don't know! I thought you might like it!" Vyvyan had shrugged.

"Well for your information, Vyvyan, _I_…." and he'd pointed at himself with a slightly neurotic hand, "don't kiss boys! So take your filthiness somewhere else, you ruddy pervert!"

He'd stormed out of the room and left Vyvyan alone with the telly. _Well, that was rubbish,_ he'd thought to himself, and tried to shrug it off. Only to find he couldn't.

That had been a few weeks ago now. He hadn't tried kissing Rick again since. But he couldn't help thinking about it sometimes. Which was rubbish.  
He decided the best way to shut these thoughts up was to scream very loudly, so he wouldn't have to listen to them. He opened his window and started screaming at wherever the sound was coming from.

"SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS! SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS! SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS! IT'S ONLY ELEVEN O'CLOCK!"

He kept screaming like this for a while, but the only effect that had was that it woke up Neil. For fuck's sake. He really didn't feel like talking to that moron right now.

"Oh hi, Vyvyan", Neil mumbled, walking into Vyvyan's room. "You won't believe the dream I just had…"

"I don't care!"

"No, but listen, right, it was awesome. So Rick was like this sheriff, right…"

He couldn't hear another word of this. Without even going to the trouble of telling him to shut his trap, Vyvyan stormed out of the room and slammed the door. It felt like the walls were coming at him.  
He was feeling even more violent than usual. For a lack of something better to do, he started to thump his head against the wall. Maybe if he just kept doing that, he would forget about all of it.  
When he was up to thump number 523, he heard a smug voice behind him say: "Good morning, Vyvyan."

Rick. Just the person he wanted to see.

"Piss off."

"Vyvyan, do you remember anything about…"

"Look, will you stop trying to blow my concentration, Rick?! I'M TRYING TO GET RID OF THIS HANGOVER!"

"Yes, it was…." and he put his hand on his back, "quite a party last night, wasn't it?"

Vyvyan was overly aware of Rick's hand on his back. Maybe he even shivered a little. But only for a split second. Then he was gone. He thumped his head against the wall again. Number 528.

This was going to be a very long day.


	2. Turmoil

**Chapter ****2. Turmoil.**

Nobody was more surprised to find there was a girl sleeping next to him than Rick himself. And just so that there are no terrible misunderstandings: she _was _a real girl. He'd checked under the blanket. He even poked her a few times. Conclusion: she must be real. An enormous sense of pride swelled in his chest. He must have really…. Had quite the enjoyable evening with this girl. He may not remember any of it, but that was hardly the point now, was it? The point was that he, Rick, by far the most attractive person in this household, had finally put his irresistible charm to use in order to bonk this girl.

Up until today, he hadn't even known he _could _have sexual intercourse with girls. The excitement of this newly discovered fact about himself made him all giddy. To be perfectly honest, he'd never felt a shred of desire to even so much as touch a girl. Girls were potty. He understood the way their funny, daft brains worked the way he understood Neil's sense of fashion. Not at all, in fact.

He'd tried to write poems about it, but even he, Rick the People's Poet, poet of a new generation, couldn't shine his light on the mystery that was the female mind. He'd tried kissing a girl once, on a party in Senior School when he was seventeen. Her name was Berta, and it had been the most revolting experience in his life. Her tongue had been slippery and unpleasant.

So he'd have preferred to just not bother with them anymore and not touch them with a ten foot pole. But he'd noticed soon enough that it wasn't possible to avoid them if you wanted to live in this world. Mummy and Daddy expected him to marry one. Mummy always went on about how she hoped he'd bring home a nice bird someday. Surely he couldn't disappoint her.

As a boy, people expected you to stare at girls' breasts, and other sexist banalities. He'd never understood everyone's fascination with breasts, anyway. They were just squishy, silly chunks of meat that were far from flattering, if you asked Rick. Not that he'd tell anyone. He would never tell any of his housemates about any of this. Especially not _Vyvyan._ Even so much as the thought of that man made him crumple with annoyance.

Not completely unintentionally, his mind started to wander to the one place he had consistently been trying to avoid for the past couple of weeks. There was something else he would never share with his housemates**:** that odd moment he and Vyvyan had shared on the couch in the living room. Normally, the punker couldn't resist verbally or physically abusing him, but his time, he had seemed calm. Even sort of… friendly. As if this hadn't been odd enough, he'd also wrapped an arm around him and had claimed he wanted to show _affection_. Affection. Can you believe it? Of all the nutty things he'd ever heard coming out of that mouth, that had most certainly been the nuttiest.

Rick's head had been spinning with confusion at that point. Or maybe it had been his housemate's arm around him, or his mouth on his, the mixed scent of sweat and the taste of beer and something else, something surprisingly nice, actually. That was why he'd even let the kiss happen in the first place. He had not enjoyed it in any shape or form, if that's what you think. Not because he was homophobic, but because, well, it was Vyvyan, the most aggravating person he knew.

After the kissing incident, he'd snapped at Vyvyan even more than usual. As a result they had literally been bickering and fighting over every little thing, much to the irritation of their housemates.

_"Get that hamster OUT of the bathtub THIS instant, young man! It's completely unhygienic! You don't want me to sell it, do you? Because I will do that, you know!"_

"OH YEAH?"

"YES!" Rick crossed his arms and gave Vyvyan what he hoped to be an intimidating stare.

"No you wouldn't!"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I would, Vyvyan! It has a silly name anyway!" (Now this was a sore spot for Vyvyan, and he knew it)

"You listen to me, you big, girly poof!" Vyvyan prodded his chest with his finger. "You

_insult__ Special Patrol Group ONE more time, and I'll twist your bloody balls off and flush them down the toilet!"_

"Well you couldn't do that, could you now, Vyvyan? We haven't had a toilet for months, because a certain somebody here thought it would be a smart idea TO THROW IT OUT OF THE WINDOW!"

Right after that, Vyvyan had jumped him and they'd rolled off the stairs together, tearing at each other's clothes and clawing each other's faces. These sort of encounters had occurred occasionally during the last couple of weeks. They usually ended with Vyvyan throwing a random object into Rick's face and Rick coming back to his senses several hours later.  
Needless to say, Vyvyan drove him completely mad in every way. There was always something that annoyed him: if it wasn't his bloody hamster, it was his stupid hair, or his stupid face.

But this morning when he walked out of his room after his grand discovery, not even the sight of Vyvyan thumping his head against the wall could spoil his mood.  
He wasn't even annoyed when Vyvyan greeted him with a 'piss off'. Today, no one could bring him down, not even his tiresome housemate. He couldn't wait for Vyvyan to find out what he'd done last night. How wonderful would it be to see him realize the fact that he, Rick, had done it. With a _girl_.

It could wait, though. For now. It was better to announce this fact when everyone was in the room, so they could all admire him simultaneously.

Vyvyan shouted he needed to get rid of his hangover, after which he thumped his head against the wall again. He decided to leave him to it.

"It was quite the party last night, wasn't it?" he said in the most casual way possible, and teasingly put his hand on his back.

Victoriously, he continued his way down the stairs. In the kitchen, he found Michael searching the pile of papers that had piled up there for the last couple of months. Nobody ever bothered to clean in this dump. Normally he would gladly take the opportunity to complain about it, but he had more important things to talk about right now.

"Morning, Michael. You're up early."

"Yeah, well I've got all the Sunday papers to get through."

No mention of the party, nor the admiring look or knowing wink he'd expected to receive. After all, he and Mike were on the same level now. This new status required a new, cooler attitude. He swayed his hips a little, hoping that would look cool.

"Quite the party last night, was it?" he asked for the second time that morning.

"Did we go to a party? Must've been good, I don't remember it." Mike didn't look away from the paper.

Rick laughed a forced laugh. Maybe he could give him some subtle hints. Surely, Mike would understand if he made _five_ cups of tea instead of the usual four. He started rummaging through the cups, and threw one - very subtly, he rather thought - into the sink. Then, also very subtly, he complained loudly about the fact they only had four cups, when they needed five.  
But no matter how many hints he dropped, Mike didn't seem to pick up on them. It irked him a little, but there was no rush.

Vyvyan showed up not much later, with a dynamite tied to his head. Rick knew it shouldn't even surprise him anymore. Just about everything Vyvyan did was completely pathetic. And he was _still _complaining about that hangover. They bickered for a bit about alcohol, then Vyvyan finally mentioned the girl.

"By the way, there's a couple of strange girls in the bathroom."

"Yeah, I saw one of them! That's what I was gonna tell you about earlier, that's the really freaky thing!" Neil exclaimed. It needs to be said that since Neil found pretty much everything heavy and freaky, so nobody had paid attention to him when he'd mentioned it earlier.

"Don't worry about it, Neil. She probably got lost on the way to my room," said Mike.

"I very much doubt it, actually, Mike," Rick said smugly. "Because as a matter of interest, everybody, the girl in question… is with me". He looked around, beaming with pride.

The look on Vyvyan's face was priceless. Of course, the whole group had reacted in surprise and shock. But Vyvyan seemed particularly… angry about it. This made Rick feel better than he really should.

"But I don't understand! How? Was she unconscious?" Vyvyan asked.

Rick grinned.

"What, Vyvyan, do I detect a little spark of jealousy?"

Vyvyan laughed a little too hard at that. "HA! I'm not jealous! I find the idea of spending the night with you completely revolting!"

_Is that so?_ Rick thought. _Because as I recall, not too long ago you were still trying to make out with me, actually._ Vyvyan's comment stung a little, though. He wondered if he had moved on from him? Could it be that he wasn't he interested in him anymore? Not that he cared, obviously. The idea that he would care was absolutely hysterical.

Moving on: Neil wanted to hear every detail about his adventure in bed. Since Rick didn't remember anything, he tried to come up with convincing details ('at one point, she even took her bra off').

"So then I sort of… took my dungaree off," he continued, and Vyvyan spontaneously threw up all over Rick's front.

Right afterwards, the girl appeared. To be fair, despite his thorough inspection that morning, Rick had already forgotten what she looked like. But he had to follow through with this act.

Nervously, he tried to act how he thought a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend. Offering her tea, introducing her to his friends. Vyvyan was still throwing up in the background.

Then, right when he was about to introduce her, he realized he hadn't the faintest clue what her name was.

She looked at him wonderingly. "Who are you?"

"Rick. It's… Rick," he whispered in her ear, hoping no one had caught it. They didn't.

Unsurprisingly, the girl drew all the attention to her. The last time a member of the opposite sex had set foot in this house, it had been Neil's mum. So obviously, everyone was very interested in this strange creature.  
Much to Rick's irritation, Vyvyan expressed his interest by studying her breasts very closely. _'Stop being so sexist, you pervert,'_ he wanted to shout, but he didn't.

"I hope you don't mind me spending the night," the girl said in a presumptuous accent. "I was desperate for someone to stay. When I saw you'd all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in through the kitchen window and found an empty bed and went to sleep".

_Oh no._

"Eh?" Vyvyan said, looking up at him. He could swear he saw a small smile playing around his lips. That bastard.

"No, no, no, darling. It wasn't an empty bed, was it, because I was in there, wasn't I?"

"Were you?" she asked. "You weren't there when I woke up."

That did it. There was no talking him out of it anymore.

"AHAHA!" Vyvyan screamed, getting to his feet. "RICK IS STILL A VIRGIN!"

"I'M NOT, I'M NOT A VIRGIN!"

But Vyvyan was far too pleased with this. He kept on yelling, and Rick went with the first instinct that he got. He ducked forwards and grabbed the other man's balls. Vyvyan reacted by throwing some object at his head that he couldn't see.

"Vyvyan, can I have a word with you, upstairs, _now_!" he said, rubbing his sore head.

"Oh, with pleasure!" Vyvyan said with a smirk Rick just wanted to wipe off his face.

Rick poked him with a fork while going upstairs, and they didn't start yelling at each other again until they were safely out of hearing distance, in Rick's room.

"This is all your fault, you know!" he yelled at Vyvyan.

"Oh, really!" Vyvyan yelled back, still with that smirk on his face. "The fact that you're a girly little virgin…"

"Shut up! I hate you!" And he really did. How he wanted to grab that stupid bastard by the lapels, shove him against the wall….

Before he knew it, they'd tumbled onto the bed, Vyvyan on top. Mouths crashed, tongues mixed, and hands tore at clothes. Rick's hands pulled at Vyv's hair a little. Normally, the punker wouldn't let him anywhere near his hair, but right now, he didn't protest. All that came out of his mouth were small grunts as he kissed him messily but eagerly. Sparks shot through Rick's body, as if it had been set on fire from the inside out, as if his very bones were ignited.

"You know, for a virgin, you're a really good kisser", Vyvyan said, looking down at him with a grin.

Then the floor gave out.


	3. Physical

_Physical._

"I AM NOT A VIRGIN I AM NOT A VIRGIN!"

Rick started screaming as soon as the bed hit the ground, attacking him with a pillow. They had gone from snogging to fighting within a matter of seconds, and Vyvyan felt a strange euphoria. There was little more he liked to do than taking the piss out of Rick, except bashing that stupid face. This was by far his favourite activity.

But now, it was even better than usual. Because _Rick was a virgin Rick was a virgin he was a BLOODY virgin _and this was somehow the best news he'd heard all bloody week.  
He was determined not to let his housemate rest until he'd heard him admit this fact out loud. Even if it would take him every insane prank he could think of. Whatever stupid little game that girl was playing with him, it was ON. And Rick was going down. He would make that bloody girl pay for making him think he'd lost his virginity to that girl.

Pillow strings flew around as they fought and the ceiling was still raining down on them. Vyvyan was on fire. Adrenaline was racing through his system, which may or may not have had to do a little with what had just happened upstairs.

He hadn't _wanted_ to kiss Rick when he'd twisted his nipples and slammed his body beneath his just now. It had been a complete accident. What he'd _wanted_ to do was hurt him and possibly bite his ear. But his body had had other plans, and before his brains had even realized what was going on, he'd already been sucking Rick's face like his life depended on it.

This had been the point where Rick should have pushed him off, given him a good jab on the jaw and tell him to piss off. He should have, but that's not what happened. So basically, this was all Rick's fault. Against all Vyvyan's expectations, the other young man had kissed him back. He'd even tugged at his Mohawk. If he hadn't known better, he'd even have thought that poof was _into _this.

_You are enjoying this, aren't you, you virgin, _he'd thought. _You probably want me to start touching your bottom_. To be honest, he had been feeling quite smug with himself that_ he_ was the one snogging Rick here, and not that stupid girl with the big tits he had pretended to find interesting just to piss Rick off. Okay, maybe the snogging hadn't been an accident. Maybe he had really, really, really enjoyed it. Maybe he'd even gotten a bit of a stiffy. He'd needed to stop, or he would have gotten really hard, and that's when he no longer could have hidden his attraction to his housemate.

So he'd stopped, and he'd used the opportunity to make a dick remark to restore his honour a little, before they'd crashed down into the living room.

"All right, all right, all right!" Rick yelled. "If I'm a virgin, how do I know what a girl's bottom looks like?"

Vyvyan only needed to give that a few seconds. "From looking in the mirror!"

"Damn!"

Before he knew it, the pillow landed in his face once again. At this point, Vyvyan wasn't sure anymore if he wanted to fight him, or jump his bones. His body was all confused. So he just smashed Rick with the pillow as hard as he could.  
Neither Vyvyan or Rick noticed anything of what was happening elsewhere in the room -the Mysterious Bed Girl was attempting to kill Mike on the couch, also with a pillow- as they were far too busy with each other. They didn't even hear the radio presenter announce a dangerous murderer was on the loose and currently in their house.

"Missed me, _virgin_!" Vyvyan said victoriously after he dodged an object Rick had thrown at his head.

He really wasn't going to drop this until he would get that bastard to admit the truth. And he didn't for the rest of the afternoon. Not much interesting happened that afternoon: they tried to change a light ball and threw Neil through the ceiling in the process, a knight busted into their house and carried away Bed Girl and Neil on his horse – you know, a regular Sunday.  
It was all very boring. In fact, there had only been two not boring parts of the day. One of them had been the moment where he'd finally gotten Rick to admit his virginity by shooting him with his Howitzer.

**"**Vyv! Where did you get that Howitzer?!"  
**  
"**Found it!" In fact, he had built it in his spare time, when he was bored one time. He also had an M198 and an M777 Howitzer and was currently working on a tank. He got bored a lot.

**"**Well you can just about bloomin' well put it back this instant, young man!  
**  
"**I will, I will, just as soon as I've blown you to pieces!" Rick dived for cover.

**"**No Vyvyan! No!" It felt oh so good to have him begging on his knees, saying his name… wait…. Did that Rick just call him Vyv? For some reason he had always called him Vyvyan, unlike his other two housemates. It was always Vyvyan this, Vyvyan that.

"All right, all right, you were right and I was wrong! I _am_ a virgin!"

Vyvyan couldn't help the wide grin from spreading over his face. This was by far one of the most satisfying moments in his life and he didn't plan on dropping it just quite yet.

"All right, Rick. I'll make you a deal". He walked over to his housemate and yanked him up at his lapels. "I won't call you a virgin anymore, but you pay me all the money you have, and walk around with a sign that says: _'I am a virgin'_ for at least…. Two days!"

"All right. I suppose that's fair", Rick said, but angrily. He straightened his clothes and those stupid braids in his hair, probably trying to look somewhat honourable, and gave him a look that said _this isn't over_ before striding dramatically out of the room. God, he was such a girl. But a deal was a deal: Rick was wearing the sign. For the second time today, Vyvyan felt really smug with himself. His mood couldn't be spoiled by anything. Rick was not a virgin. Ha ha. He was wearing a sign. Ha ha. It was all bloody amusing.

But then, as the day came to an end and things turned back to normal (more or less: Neil stormed in to tell them 'this really freaky thing' had happened and he had somehow been zapped back into time) it started to get less funny to laugh at Rick.  
It was almost as if the whole snog with his housemate never happened. Of course Rick was peevish with him because he had to wear the sign, but that was no different from usual. This bothered Vyvyan. Shouldn't things be at least a little bit different after you've kissed with someone for the second time? He had no clue when it came to things like kissing and all that rubbish. He'd never cared to.

Whenever he watched porn, he skipped the talking and kissing bit, because it couldn't get more _boringly boring_ than that. It was so revoltingly sweet and _nice _that one time when the skip button wasn't working and he was forced to watch it, it had made him puke inside of his mouth a little. He'd smashed the recorder with a hammer and thrown the remains out of the window after that, so he hadn't watched porn in a while. But kissing with Rick hadn't been like that. It hadn't been sweet or nice. It had felt a little bit like fighting, but the good kind of fighting where your adrenaline is really high and you don't want it to stop. And that was a bloody good feeling.

Around ten o'clock Neil had finally managed to make some undefinable, sticky substance for dinner that was supposed to be pasta, but Vyvyan didn't think it looked much like pasta. Poking around in it, he thought it looked more bogies. It was bloody revolting. Of course Neil complained about how he was the only one who ever did anything in this house. It was all so bloody boring and predictable Vyvyan would probably smash a kitten if that meant anything interesting would happen.

"Neil, have you just blown your nose all over the plates and served it as dinner?" Rick complained.

Vyvyan couldn't help but grinning at that. Rick could be pretty funny sometimes. No one else responded though: Neil just stared into the void with a despondent expression, and Mike was once again absorbed in one of the papers on the pile that he had moved from the table to the floor for the occasion. Rick cleared his throat.

"Well, since my room will be needing some _restowation_, I suppose I can spend the night in your room, Neil".

Neil looked up from his contemplations. "Oh you can't stay with _me_, Rick! I'm ill. There's snot all over my room, you'll get infected!" He sounded genuinely concerned about this.

Rick's nose wrinkled in disgust. "Mike? I can spend the night in _your_ room, can't I?"

"Sorry Rick, I've got some girls coming over tonight. You can watch for 10 bucks, but I'm not sharing. Looks like you'll have to stay with Vyvyan".

"Damn", Rick cursed softly, and his eyes met Vyvyan's in a moment of silent communication.

Three seconds later, they both jumped from their chairs and ran out of the room. Oh, that _bloody bastard_. He poked him in the ribs with his elbow on the stairs, and for a moment he seemed to be winning. Then he felt two hands grabbing his elbow and he lost his balance, falling flat on his stomach.  
When he got to his room, Rick was already sitting on his bed, with that bloody smile on his face Vyvyan couldn't stand.

"Well how about that Vyvyan, it looks like I got to the bed first! I suppose I can sleep in it then, can't I?"

"Oh no you're not, you bastard!", Vyvyan said. He jumped up the bed, tore loose the curtain rod and smashed Rick right on the head with it.

"Ha! Looks like you'll have to sleep on the ground, _virgin_. Or you could come with me in bed", he teased.

"Oh pul-lease! I'd rather sleep on the streets like a fascist homeless man than sleeping next to _you_", Rick snorted, his face looking like Vyvyan had just asked him to eat shit.

"Suit yourself", Vyvyan said as he drew the covers over himself. "But you shut your girly mouth for the rest of the night, or I'm making you sleep with Neil!"

_"Fine", _Rick said like the spoiled brat he was.

Vyvyan turned out the light, and they lied in darkness for a while. He blinked at the pitch black place where knew the ceiling was, the room so heavy with silence he could hear every single one of Rick's irregular breaths. A few minutes passed.

"Rick?" he asked, his voice even hoarser than usual. His heart slammed against his chest. The fact that he couldn't see Rick's face made him feel bolder somehow.

"What?"

"Don't be such a girl and come over here".

There was a short silence. His housemate sighed. "All right then. I suppose even your smelly bottom is better than the _floor_".

The sheets ruffled and he felt the skinny body of his friend climbing in. "But you stay on your side of the bed, or I'll tell everyone you stole my Cliff Richard LP's once".

"I only wanted to set them on fire!" Vyvyan snarled.

He tried to close his eyes and not think about the fact Rick was so close to him now. He tried to think about everything he liked other than his friend, like explosions, guitars and hamsters. It only worked for a little.

"Vyvyan... I've.. I've been thinking…"

"Shut up. I'm trying to sleep", Vyvyan said, even though that was a complete lie. He was about as far from sleepy as it gets.

Rick ignored him. "I've been thinking, shouldn't we talk about this? You know, like, like _gwown ups_?"

"Talking's boring". At least that wasn't a lie.

"Yes, yes I know, but…"

"Rick, if you don't shut your mouth, I'll have to be getting very creative in thinking of ways to shut you up".

That was the moment when, without a single warning, Rick turned around and kissed the living crap out of him.

It was also the moment when, without a single warning, Vyvyan realized he really, really fancied his housemate.

**Chapter 3. **


	4. Secret

**So sorry for the delay. I've had a really busy time, but this story's been in my head pretty much the entire time. I realize this chapter is a bit, uhm, more intense than the previous three, so I figured a small warning would be appropriate!**

**Warning: M-rated.**

* * *

Rick had never kissed anyone like this. This was completely different from that dreadful kiss he'd had at that party all those years ago with that girl, Berta. With her, he had been constantly worrying about what to do with his tongue (did you move it up, down, or even… around?), where to leave his hands, what he smelled like or what his hair looked like.

Right now though, he wasn't thinking about anything. All the negative thoughts, objections and complaints in his mind had been silenced. All he registered now were lips, tongue, the cool metal of Vyvyan's nose ring against his skin and his body next to him in the small bed. He didn't think about the fact that he was making out with the person he usually loathed. He didn't notice he was clutching Vyvyan's shirt so hard he was almost tearing it. He didn't even notice that he was running out of breath. Breathing was a waste of time, anyway.

It wasn't until Vyvyan took off his jacket and tossed it beside the bed that Rick snapped back to reality. Suddenly, this whole thing felt wrong. He couldn't be doing this. This was insane. He needed to stop.

"Wait! Stop, stop," he panted. He didn't know why, just that he needed to get out of the bed. He was in such a hurry to do that he almost rolled out of it, making a pretty hard smack on the floor. Quickly he jumped to his feet, backing away slightly, putting some distance between him and the punk.

Vyvyan switched on his bedside light, moved down to the edge of the bed and squinted his eyes at him in surprise. "What's the problem?"

Rick needed a moment to collect his thoughts. "The problem, Vyvyan, is that this… this is completely intolerable, and we can't do this."

"Why not?" He sounded genuinely curious.

"Well because… I'm _Wick_, and you're Vyvyan! We're supposed to hate each other, not stick our tongues down each other's throats! What are we going to do next, touch each other's bottoms? And I'm a heterosexual, anyway."

"You're as gay as a bloody unicorn on a bloody rainbow!" Vyvyan yelled.

Was he? Vyvyan had called him a poof and a girl countless times, but to have the word 'gay' being directed at him made him a little uncomfortable. Of course, being as open-minded as he was, he had nothing against gays. It was just that he wasn't one. He was far too much of a stunning ladies man to be gay. Not that he'd ever been with a girl. But he bloody would. He would be with loads of girls in the future. That girl this morning may not have been the woman he lost his virginity to, but out of all the beds in the house to sleep in, she had picked _his_, hadn't she? Surely that must have meant something. Also, wearing dresses sometimes didn't make him gay. It was hardly his fault he looked so pretty in them. Vyvyan was probably just jealous.

Besides, he liked girls…. didn't he? He dreamed about them, sometimes. He'd always imagined he'd have tons of them once he'd become famous as a poet. Breasts were still repulsive, though.

"I am NOT!" he yelled.

"Okay, Rick," Vyvyan said. "Why have you got a stiffy, then?"

Rick looked down at himself and realized two things. One: he was still wearing the stupid sign (he'd completely forgotten about it). Two: he really did have a stiffy. Suddenly he felt horribly exposed in just his bathrobe and his Y-fronts and tried to cover himself up a little.

"Oh, blimey!" he said, trying to sound surprised. "It's pwobably still like that from this morning when that woman was lying in my bed. It must be in pretty good shape, then!" A little oink escaped him.

Vyvyan just sighed. "Look," he said in a tone soft for Vyvyan's standards, which still wasn't very soft. "We don't have to do anything you don't want. We don't have to do it up the arse if you don't want that. I'm sure there's plenty of other things we can do."

Rick stared at his housemate. He didn't know what to be more confused about: Vyvyan's unusual niceness, or the realization that his punk housemate actually wasn't horrible to look at.

It wasn't often he saw him without his _Very Metal_ jacket, and the thought that he'd taken it off for him was strangely exciting. He didn't look all that unattractive, if you ignored his stupid hair, nose ring and those atrocious studs on his forehead. Kissing him hadn't been terrible, either. He supposed it couldn't hurt to do those 'other things' with him for just one night. No one had to know. It could be his dirty little secret, a tiny blemish on the otherwise fabulous life of the People's Poet that awaited him. The idea made him feel a bit shaky in the legs, though.

"W-weally?"

Rick walked back over to the bed and sat down next to him. The sleeve of his bathrobe brushed Vyvyan's bare arm lightly. "What are some of the… things… we could do?" he asked nervously.

"Well I suppose we could wank each other off," Vyvyan said. Well, he certainly didn't beat around the bush.

"Oh. I see," Rick said stupidly. "And how exactly do we go about that?"

"It's quite simple, really. I'll show you." He started to undo his belt.

"Shouldn't we, uhm… kiss… first?" His tongue felt like it was made out of cardboard, his usual wit being lost somewhere in the confused jumble that was his thoughts.

Vyvyan looked up from his pants.

"If that's what you want."

Their second kiss was much messier and a little bit wet. Rick didn't mind it; he was feeling too light in his head to be worrying about the amount of saliva they were exchanging. After kissing for maybe a minute, he stretched out his arm and turned off the bed light.

"Why'd you turn the bloody light off?" Vyvyan asked.

"Can we just… keep it off?"

This way, he didn't actually have to see Vyvyan taking off his pants. It was probably best not to get too attached to each other's naked body parts. That kind of thing was for sissies. The dark also gave him a feeling of secrecy, which was what this whole thing was: a secret. He'd never had a real secret before, and he enjoyed the feeling of it.

"Fine," Vyvyan said, sounding a bit grumpy, but probably not wanting to start a fight right now.

There was a lot of rustling of clothes and clumsy hands. Rick had already changed into his bathrobe before dinner (he preferred wearing a bathrobe in the evenings because he thought it made him look sophisticated), but Vyvyan still had to wiggle down his jeans. Much to his surprise, he also took off the cardboard sign and threw it away.

"It'll only get in the bloody way", Vyvyan explained.

Heart beating rapidly, Rick nervously slid down his own underpants. He lay in nervous anticipation for a few seconds. Then, he felt Vyv's hand. It felt both strange and normal at the same time. It was just skin touching skin, when you thought about it. The place just happened to be a bit more intimate. He'd touched himself there a few times before, so he sort of knew what it felt like, but still. This was not his own hand. Vyv started moving up and down slowly. Rick closed his eyes. It took a fair amount of self-control not to gasp, and he tried to steady his breathing. Gasping and breathing too hard would make him look like a complete fool.

"Go on then," Vyvyan said. "Take mine."

As soon as Rick realized what Vyvyan wanted, his first response was to panic, but he couldn't walk away now. So he clumsily grabbed Vyvyan's, which was almost poking his stomach by this point. He had no clue on how to do this, but he didn't exactly have the time to contemplate right now. He had to do something. So he just mimicked Vyvyan's movements, tried to follow his rhythm and hoped it would do some good. Judging from Vyvyan's responses though, it appeared he was doing something right.

It was hard to focus on his own hand moving with Vyvyan's doing the same thing to him. His arm started to get tired, but he was determined not to stop. He felt a little less weird and a little more aroused with each stroke.

Then, at some point, he stopped paying attention his breathing. All he knew, as he lay spasming beside Vyvyan, was that his body was in the biggest state of arousal it had ever been in.

"Oh Vyv… Vyvyan…"

That was it. He'd felt it coming for a few seconds, but now he couldn't hold it back any longer. It was a huge mess, but he didn't care. He didn't even care when Vyvyan went and made an even bigger mess of it. It was only after they'd lain panting for half a minute that he realized his bathrobe was all sticky.

"Oh gweat, now I'm all filthy," he complained.

"Uh, right," Vyvyan said. "Let me clean that up."

He grabbed his sleeping shirt from the floor, used it to wipe them off and tossed it back onto the floor.

"That's _disgusting_, Vyvyan, you're such a pig." Ah, he found his wit again.

"Oh SHUT up"._  
_

Rick pulled the sheets over himself. "Just to be clear, this was one-time, meaningless sex and I don't intend on doing it again."

He felt guilty as soon as he said it. What was happening to him? The fact that his first sexual experience had been with Vyvyan, of all people, was mental enough. Now he was starting to feel guilty about insulting him? It couldn't get more potty than that.

"Whatever, virgin. I liked it," Vyvyan answered.

They tried to make themselves comfortable on the far-too-narrow bed, and managed to find a position with Vyvyan half against the wall. It was far from comfortable, especially since they did everything they could to avoid touching, but it was nice not sleeping alone. He could admit that much to himself in the darkness of the bedroom. It stayed quiet for a long time. Rick actually thought his housemate had dozed off when he suddenly said something. It was more like sleep-drunk muttering, actually, but he could hear him loud and clear.

"You know, Rick… I don't actually hate you, you know. Don't get me wrong, I still think you're a bloody girl. But I don't hate you."

Rick didn't move, pretending to be asleep. For some reason, Vyvyan's words felt important. But that was a silly thought. It didn't mean anything. He'd only said he didn't hate him. There was nothing big about those words.

These thoughts he'd been having were stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Better just to forget about all of it. Besides, he had a poetry lecture tomorrow. He fell asleep trying not to touch Vyvyan's chest.


	5. Fire

Vyvyan didn't immediately realize what was different than usual as he woke up. He found out soon enough. Rick had shifted towards him in his sleep, his bottom all up against his crotch, which meant he was spooning the snotty bastard. _Oh God_, he thought. Wanking each other off was all good fun, but spooning was a whole different level of disturbing. He wasn't a bloody poof.  
Best to stop this now before he would start to enjoy this too much. He grabbed the pillow from beneath his head and gave Rick a good smack with it. The other boy tumbled off the bed, which was a fairly hilarious sight. It was good for a laugh.

"Nice shot, mate", SPG commented from corner of the room.

As soon as Rick realized what was going on, he grabbed the other pillow and hit him right back.

"SODD OFF, YOU PRICK!" Vyvyan yelled.

"You were the one that started hitting me!" Rick defended himself.

"Your bottom was all up against my private parts!"

Rick got to his feet, looking down at him angrily. "Oh, so that's a problem now, is it? Is this how it's going to be, Vyvyan? You shagged me once and now you're dumping me aside like a used condom?"

"I didn't shag you, you twat! I only touched your knob!"

"So you just wanted to have me for the night. You just wanted to get off, is that it?"

Vyvyan wasn't sure how to answer that. It could be a trick question. Yesterday, Rick had made it quite clear he only wanted this as a 'one-time thing'. Now he seemed offended at the thought of Vyvyan having used him as a one-night stand. Speaking of mixed signals.

"Yes!"

This silenced Rick for a few seconds.

"I thought you said that was what you wanted as well", Vyvyan continued, still slightly annoyed, but not shouting anymore.

"It is. It is!", Rick shouted, sounding just a tad defensive. "So cherish the memory, pal, because you're not getting any more of this hot piece! If you'll excuse me now, I'd like to getdwessed". If Vyvyan didn't know better, he'd say he was hurt a little. But he did know better.

"Your clothes are still in your room", Vyvyan sighed.

"Right".

He shuffled towards the door, but before he left, he gave Vyvyan an intense look. "Listen. If you tell _anyone _what we did last night… you are going to get it young man!"

And he smashed the door.

Vyvyan didn't even answer. He just knew he felt the need to be sick again for the second time in a far too short period of time. And also that he really wanted to beat Rick's face to a pulp.

Of course he had been lying. Last night hadn't been 'just wanting to get off'. He knew what it had been about. He didn't know how or when he'd started to fancy Rick. It had started out as a joke, something that was so absurd to him it could only _be_ a joke. Yet somewhere along the way, it had stopped being a joke. So he stopped joking about it.

Well, one thing was for sure. Rick couldn't know. That much was obvious. The last thing he wanted was to look like a bloody poof who wanted to go around touching each other's nobs as a hobby. It would make him look like a complete fool. There was no doubt Rick would laugh right in his face if he told him this. Anything that so much as resembled friendship between them would be completely ruined.

He'd had a lot of time to think about it last night when he'd lain awake, and he had decided not to risk it. Rick was an insufferable bastard, and sometimes he wasn't even sure they were friends, but nothing was worth it to risk even that.  
It made him feel sick, though. He knew he would probably never get to touch Rick again and it made him sick. He sat on the bed for a while, trying to repress his nausea. Then he told himself to stop being a girl and started gathering his clothes around the room.

When he was fully dressed, he went about his usual morning routine of kicking Neil out of the bathroom. He needed at least half an hour to style his hair. This was a process that required utter concentration, so he ignored Neil's whining if he could 'please use the bathroom' until he'd glued the last stud to his forehead.

".. and I was just wondering if I could use the bathroom for a minute…"

"YES, YOU CAN USE THE BATHROOM", he screamed as he opened the door. "STOP SHOUTING". Bloody hell. He couldn't even make it downstairs without at least wanting to kill someone in this house. He was a bit nervous about seeing Rick, but he would put everything in the works to seem as normal as he could.

"Morning Vyvyan", Rick said, avoiding to look at him.

"Shut up". He sat down on the other side of the table, about as far from Rick as he could without seeming too suspicious. He started studying the dirt under his fingernails into great detail, and nobody talked for a long awkward moment.

Mike observed this from over the edge of his paper and sunglasses.

"Bit of trouble in paradise, boys?"

"I - I don't know what you're talking about, Mike", Rick said, clutching his cup of tea and almost knocking it over. "We're all completely fine. Me and Vyvyan are better mates than ever before, aren't we, Vyvyan?"

"Yeah", Vyvyan said tonelessly, continuing in a sweet voice: "Just the best mates in the bloody world".

Rick drummed with his fingers on the table nervously until he couldn't take it anymore and stood up. "Well", he said. "I will be off, then. I've got a poetry lecture". He said 'poetry lecture' as if this was the most noteworthy activity one could attend. "Are you doing something today, Vyvyan?"

"Not really", Vyvyan answered. "Although I might work on my newest potion that makes you turn into a rock-hard funky sex-machine". He turned to Mike and shot him a grin. "It's even better than the one that turns you into an homicidal _axe__-__wielding maniac!"__  
_  
"God, you're pathetic", Rick said. "Why can't you ever do something _pwoductive_ with your life." A bit of spit landed on Vyvyan's face at the 'p'.

For the first time since he came in, Vyvyan looked him in the eye. "I didn't hear you complain last night!" he commented.

That would certainly piss him off. Satisfied with his own comment, he watched Rick's face go from shocked, to angry, to putting on a smile towards Mike - who was watching them with great interest.

"Ha HA HA, that's a good one, Vyvyan", Rick laughed - not very convincingly, in Vyvyan's opinion. "I would never sleep with him!" he said directed at Mike. "God, we're such good mates, aren't we!? Always joking awound… I'll better go now before it gets too much".

He turned and ran for the door before they even had the chance to respond. Mike put down the paper.

"Now, hold on", he said. "There's something going on with you two, and I'm not sure I understand".

"To be completely honest with you, Mike", Vyvyan said, "I don't think anyone understands".

Mike shot him a meaningful glance. It was probably the way Vyvyan had answered –not playing or taking the piss- that made Mike realize this was something serious.

"If you play with fire, Vyvyan, you'll get burned", he finally said, before turning his attention back to the paper.

Vyvyan had no clue what he meant by that. He'd never considered Rick to be fire. Rick was more like the annoying drizzle on a hot day, or the sun that shines in the corner of your eye and spoils your bloody sight.

Later that afternoon, he decided he was bored, so he went to school to see his friends. He found Scumbag, Pissface and Dickhead on their usual spot. He didn't actually know their names. Most people just called them that, and he didn't see why he should go through the trouble of trying to find out their real names. Their nicknames seemed to work for them just fine.  
They usually hung around school when they had a class they hated – which basically meant almost every class. They smoked, a lot of cigarettes and sometimes pot. Some days they hung around in the alley next to school, other times they walked through town, wrecking things here and there if they felt like it. It was usually a fun way to kill the time.

Today however, he wondered why he bothered to hang out with them. For what may be the first time ever, he'd prefer to be at home watching telly and bickering with Rick. At least with Rick, he could have somewhat of an intelligent conversation. Even if he was a complete idiot. In this group, the conversations were always the same. Pissface was telling some stupid story of how drunk he'd gotten the other night. Scumbag laughed at every bloody thing he said.

As a daily tradition, Dickhead asked Vyvyan if he'd scored any birds lately. The answer was always the same, and he answered no different today. No, he had not. What was he supposed to say?  
I'm gay for that sissy bastard Rick I live with? We touched each other's nobs and I loved it? No. Those all seemed like fairly poofy things to say to your friends. It was always better to shut up than to seem like a complete poof. Besides, it was better to be on the safe side, Vyvyan reckoned. This was pure speculation, but inside the hallways of Scumbag College, stories were being told of how Pissface derived his name from pissing at people's faces.

Suddenly, he realized he didn't like Pissface all that much. Usually, he liked to hang out with them for a good few hours. They didn't ask questions, and that's what he liked about them. But not today. Being at home would be rubbish, because he would have to face Rick, but it was better than being here with these idiots.

"Hey, Basterd", Pissface called after him. "Where are you going?"

"Home, actually", he said.

When he arrived home, he found Mike had mysteriously managed to get the floor fixed. He didn't ask him how he did it. You never asked Mike how he did things. That was part of his cool and part of why he respected him so much. He was the only one who ever got things done around this house. Not poofy things like Neil did: cool things. Except the fixing of the floor wasn't all that cool.

So Rick moved back into his room and everything went back to normal. Except it didn't. He didn't feel like everything was normal at all. What was different was that he thought about Rick a lot. In fact he was thinking about him so much it was making him bloody sick. So he drank. He always had a vodka bottle or five hidden under his bed, so he was safe for a few days. This was a habit he had picked up when he was fifteen and he'd sneaked into the living room in the middle of the night whenever he'd heard his mom leave the house. He'd look in the fridge and drank whatever was there, which usually had been alcohol.

Time went by at an excruciatingly slow pace. Not a bloody thing happened. Tuesday was as insufferable as Monday. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday were the same. The fact that Rick was constantly around didn't help. He spent his days being bored out of his mind and drinking in his room, sometimes using SPG as a bouncing ball against the wall. The sound drove Rick crazy, which was all the more reason to keep going. Although he could barely stand to hear his voice or see the little prat's face. It confused him too much. He was far past wanting to smash kittens at this point. He was probably capable of strangling a baby.

So he went to Rick's room to set fire to some of his stuff. He may not be able to have him, but he could still annoy the bloody hell out of him. That was practically the next best thing. 


End file.
